Here Are Some ‘Cleavage Cupcakes’

I was shopping in Boc on Broadway last weekend and started giggling upon seeing the product featured at left. (Boobs are funny, right?) Cleavage Cupcakes are silicone gel inserts for giving the girls a bit of a lift. While the name–and concept, really–are silly, it’s a lot better name than “chicken cutlets,” which is what these gel inserts are sometimes called.  After all, cupcakes are super trendy right now. 

Commando, the company that makes these, also makes “Takeouts,” a larger version, as well as “Top Hats” and “Low Beams” two nipple-concealing products.

Maclaren Makes a Stroller Inspired by Candy: This Is Not Going to Go Over Well on the Upper West Side

It’s been a long time since I owned a stroller. But when I did, one of the strollers I owned was a Maclaren (yes, multiple strollers are a necessity. Don’t ask me to explain.) I don’t keep up with baby gear anymore–that’s a phase that I prefer to keep in the deepest recesses of my subconscious.  But I spend a lot of time on the internet for work, and I inevitably bump into things like this:

Fashion Photography In A Dunkin Donuts?

I was in an Upper West Side Dunkin Donuts last week w/Five (don’t judge me—I was on my way to a Jedi birthday party and needed coffee). I noticed this very large machine in the corner, and on further inspection found it to be a hand sanitizer dispenser.

Hmm. “A nice amenity, especially now that it is flu season,” I thought. Then on closer inspection, I noticed the advertising plastered all over it.

Fashion Wire Press. A service which, for a fee, will provide you with runway photos for your website or blog. Now, taken separately, these are three fairly innocuous objects. An ad for runway photos. A hand sanitizer machine. A Dunkin Donuts. But together? A strange cocktail.

It’s Important To Protect Your Jewels At The Beach {Montauk Edition}

OK, so Montauk is very, very close to the wealthy playground that is the Hamptons. As such, I get easy access to all the various Hamptons-specific publications that are lying around outside every boutique and coffee shop.

I always pick up Dan’s Papers, a free Hamptons weekly chock full of horrible writing and hilarious pictures of socialites gathered at various events, where everyone is crisply outfitted in prisitine summer white or flirty dresses.

I came across this ad for the “GemSafe.” Immediately I had several reactions.

Do people bring a lot of jewels to their beach homes? I brought my beloved pink ToyWatch Jelly. It’s rubber. I also brought a pair of Alice + Olivia pants that require dry cleaning. When I asked my friend Kindra (a former NYC’er who decamped to Montauk to unplug for a year) where I could get dry-cleaning done in Montauk, I could almost hear the sneer in her text response: “Why do you need a dry-cleaner? You’re on vacation!” Exactly.

My second question: What the hell is up with that swimsuit bottom and hair? She looks straight out of an 80s Robert Palmer video. Cut high-on-the-hip bikini? *shudder*  And as far as I know, there are no topless beaches in the Hamptons.

I wonder if GemSafe makes a special champagne fridge. Or small closet for one’s ascots. Or a polisher for your riding boots.

Sheesh.

Caption This: Boat in Block Island, RI

We took a ferry from Montauk over to Block Island, RI. Block Island is a boaters’ paradise, unless, like Five and I, you have horrible motion sickness and tend to barf on boats. Poor Five spewed all over the deck of the high-speed ferry, and I’m grateful to the gracious staff who cleaned it up and didn’t act pissed off about it.

But this is a yucky topic. Let’s move on to luxury watercraft. While walking up the dock and ogling all the very large and expensive looking yachts, I spied this one:

The captain of someone's lonely heart (that quip courtesy of @thetearooms, aka Erik)

Interesting choice of first mate, no??

Welcome to 1987. Not The Good Parts of 1987.

I was quite literally stopped in my tracks by this display in my local American Apparel store:

Q: What's wrong w/this picture? A: OMG, what ISN'T wrong with it??

You probably know about American Apparel. Their product is made in California. They are uber-trendy but they say they make basics. They hire very pretty people. As a matter of fact, they’ve had some trouble recently because of their alleged hiring practices and rules for employees. And their stock is in the dumps.

Well, after looking at this display, I can clearly see why. Obviously the center outfit is the offending one. You have:

1. Bland colors
2. Half shirt
3. High-waisted mom pants

That’s about it. Isn’t that enough?? This is an 80s flashback fashion nightmare for me. Only a beanpole could ever hope to look good in these proportions. But why would you want to? Yuck.

A remake of “Whip It” by Lady Gaga I could accept. This beige high-waisted monstrosity? Someone call the Ghostbusters.

(Find this outfit at the UWS American Apparel stores: 2831 Broadway and 2103 Broadway)

Canine Couture and Coiffure

Well, if this isn’t just adding insult to injury! A few months ago one of my favorite boutiques, Plaza Too (Broadway just north of 79th Street) shut down. It was one of the few places that one could find really decent and fashionable shoes in our neighborhood. They carried Marc Jacobs, Miu Miu, Tory Burch, and lots of less expensive brands. They had great handbags, too. I shed a tear, gave a little salute to the empty storefront, and hoped for the best.

Now a store called Canine Styles has moved in. Banks, baby stores, and d0g stores are becoming ubiquitious in our neighborhood. I have nothing against dogs or babies, though they are both rather messy, poopy disasters. So are banks, come to think of it.

Anyway, I checked out Canine Styles’ website and nearly had an aneurysm. At first glance it looks promising, mentioning the “Fall Winter 2010 Collection” and offering pretty $150 cashmere blankets and accessories. Until you realize… IT’S FOR DOGS.

The Upper West Side couldn’t support a boutique that sold moderately-expensive (we’re not talking Louboutin here) shoes but it can support cashmere for animals that will probably chew it up and shed on it? I’m outraged. All I want is a shoe that doesn’t have a clog for a heel.

{Chicago Edition}: I Had To Beg a Store To Sell Me This Scarf

I was wandering around Woodfield Mall trying to get my bearings in the sea of artificial lighting, when I happened upon an Anthropologie. There’s not one close to me in NYC. I love the colorful, vintage-inspired clothes there, so I popped in to take a look.

Perched atop a mannequin wearing a crisp white linen dress was this exquisite and happy scarf. Doesn’t it make you want to drink a margarita?

My sister thinks it’s ridiculous that people wear scarves in the summer, but they are a perfect year-round accessory if you take the color and weight of the fabric into account. I have quite a few scarves–possibly more scarves than striped outfits. When I get back to NYC I’ll have to figure it out and write a post.

Walgreens Does Ready-To-Wear

So I was shopping in Walgreens on Broadway and 97th for…something. I don’t really remember what. But it certainly wasn’t for clothes. Imagine my horror when I came down the stairs, turned the corner and saw these (click picture for a better view):